Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Hardest things

As I sit here typing this I am thinking to myself what did I do to deserve this. Why did this happen to me, us, why does this happen to anyone. Not only not knowing why this DID happen to us is one of the most frustrating and heart breaking thing. I question will I ever know… will some how down the road even thirty years from now will I know….. How am I going to be able to move on with out knowing? I know I have to and with the help of my family and friends I will eventually be able to be happy again but I will never get over this I am forever changed. But it is REALLY hard to see a pregnant person and I feel like every where I go I see one, a newborn, hearing a baby cry, coo, or smile, a baby car seat….they make me think of how much I am going to miss since Kiera is no longer here. I don't even have a picture of her smiling, I only have three pictures with out any tubing on her or in her. She never got to wear a dress, or a pretty girlie non hospital hat. She never even slept in her crib, only a bassinet next to our bed because of her reflux. I never got to rock her to sleep in her glider, she really never spent anytime in her room other than a quick diaper change. Yet I don't have the courage to take apart the nursery, put away all of her clothes, take off my hospital NICU bracelet. When I go in her room I can smell her and I want to keep that forever and I am secretly hoping and praying I will wake up from this nightmare and see her back in our arms. I know some of this may sound crazy to you but to me it hurts, just knowing and living through all of what we will miss with her is heart breaking.

Till next time.......



  1. Erin,

    I'm friends with Emily Heath and she passed along your blog to me (I hope you don't mind). About 4 1/2 years ago I lost my son to his Congenital Heart Defect at just 2 1/2 years old. There are so many emotions I recall experiencing but one I want to share with you, after reading your recent post is: DON'T THROW OUT ANYTHING! There is no rule that says you have to pack away stuff. It's hard to say when is a good time or what's appropriate but I promise that you'll know when you're ready and that's what matters. This year I finally took my son's clothes off his hangers, the most recent he wore. I still have his pacifiers and so much more. This year I just threw out his car seat and stroller, only because they were damaged from rain getting inside my garage.

    I'm so sorry you have to endure this horrible pain. You did not deserve this and nor did your precious baby girl. No one deserves this. It is angering to see people with children who don't appreciate them, it's painful no matter what. I recall only enjoying music that tied me to Noah and life was just tasteless. I have learned to live a "new way" rather than "moving on" because you never will forget her and nor will those around you who have been touched.

    I'm sorry for rambling on and hope I didn't offend you. You're welcome to email me any time,

    There's one last thing. When Noah died I was so torn apart and felt like I couldn't go on. Someone shared a scripture with me, II Peter 3:8, and in that scripture it compares the time on Earth is 1,000 years to Heaven's day. We calculated (many people around the world who read my blog) and it came out to be about one hour till I see him again. I always sign off, "See you in an hour Noah ~ Love,Mommy". I hope this helps a little and brings some hope.

    Take care the best you can,

    p.s. he would have been 7 yrs old on December 9th. His blog is on under noahpaul (case sensitive and ran together) - just in case you'd like to check it out.

  2. My dearest Erin...
    I have known you since Freshman year of high school and since then, I have been in awe of your strength, bravery, and love. You have endured a roller coaster of emotions throughout your life, and I have always been inspired by your positive spirit and endearing optimism.
    I know that during a time like this, there are no words I can say, no advice I can give to help you heal. All I know is that you, my beautiful friend Erin, will make it through. Whether it is through tears, laughter, anger, sadness, or happiness, you will find a way to find the silver lining.
    I know that I am not a mother, so empathisizing would be an understatment.
    Just know that you are surrounded by love and hope.
    May peace find you when you are ready...
    All my love,

  3. Erin, I've seen you on Pediatric Stroke Network. So many people's thoughts are with you right now, I hope that gives you some comfort. I know there are no words that could possibly take away the pain, but I hope you know that nothing you did in your life made you "deserve" this, same as nothing you did or I did made our boys have strokes. You seem to be a wonderful mother and person.

  4. Erin,

    I wish I had words to say that would make you feel better. I'm so sorry for your loss and I really do hope that writing/blogging/talking really does help you with your healing. I'm not on the TMB as much as I used to be, but I'll try to keep up with your blog and I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.