Tuesday, December 28, 2010


As I drove into work yesterday it being my first day back to my daily routine or trying to have a daily routine I listened to my IPOD all music that made me think of Kiera which I do all of the time now when I am in the car or at the house. But as I am driving back to work my first day back not only after having a baby, but after my baby had died.

I was an emotional mess and couldn't stop crying. I cried all the way to work, and after awhile I had the courage to walk through those doors still crying. I was crying because I was coming back to work after my baby had become an angel, not because I had just dropped her off at day care. Mixed emotions went through my head.... what if someone asks me how the baby is? or how is life as a family of 4? or are you crying because you miss your baby? How would I respond..... luckily no one asked those questions.... but most people asked how I was doing... while others probably not knowing what to say just ignored me .

I miss Kiera so much and I can not believe she is gone and that she went so quickly. I can not believe it has almost been 8 weeks since this nightmare had begun. How will I ever move on and be myself again. I don't think I will, but I am a new and different person because of what I went through. Will I ever know why she was unexpectedly taken from us probably not, but I am grateful for the time we had with her and all of the memories and pictures we have of her but... I just wish we had more time with her and that she was still here.
I should be sleep deprived because of middle of the night feedings, not because I can't sleep anymore.

I will slowly tell her story as time goes on this is part of my healing process. Being able to type/say it out loud will really help me I think.



  1. I sort of just stumbled over your blog and wanted to let you know that I am truly sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart every time I read / hear about another little baby gone too soon.

    My name is Susi and my firstborn son, Lucas, passed away a little over 2 years ago due to an undiagnosed heart defect (it was later detected during his autopsy). If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me @ susanneklein_79@yahoo.com.


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  3. Can I see you one more time
    Before you go?
    Will you give me one long last look
    Before you go?

    Do your fingers curl in half-conscious longing
    For something that they miss?
    Or is it merely a wave goodbye
    In place of my farewell kiss?

    If your lips cannot rise to meet mine
    Your muscles fail, your heart too weak
    Let mine descend to meet yours, my dear
    My heart holds the strength and love you seek

    Let my heart carry yours
    On waves of gentle strength
    What should I ever do without you
    Across time’s empty length?

    So hold my hand, be with me
    One last sunrise see with me
    I’ll tell you one last time
    How much I love you

    Before you go,
    Before you go.

    (Dedicated to those whom now number among the stars. We are poorer without them.)