As I drove into work yesterday it being my first day back to my daily routine or trying to have a daily routine I listened to my IPOD all music that made me think of Kiera which I do all of the time now when I am in the car or at the house. But as I am driving back to work my first day back not only after having a baby, but after my baby had died.
I was an emotional mess and couldn't stop crying. I cried all the way to work, and after awhile I had the courage to walk through those doors still crying. I was crying because I was coming back to work after my baby had become an angel, not because I had just dropped her off at day care. Mixed emotions went through my head.... what if someone asks me how the baby is? or how is life as a family of 4? or are you crying because you miss your baby? How would I respond..... luckily no one asked those questions.... but most people asked how I was doing... while others probably not knowing what to say just ignored me .
I miss Kiera so much and I can not believe she is gone and that she went so quickly. I can not believe it has almost been 8 weeks since this nightmare had begun. How will I ever move on and be myself again. I don't think I will, but I am a new and different person because of what I went through. Will I ever know why she was unexpectedly taken from us probably not, but I am grateful for the time we had with her and all of the memories and pictures we have of her but... I just wish we had more time with her and that she was still here.
I should be sleep deprived because of middle of the night feedings, not because I can't sleep anymore.
I will slowly tell her story as time goes on this is part of my healing process. Being able to type/say it out loud will really help me I think.