As I sit here typing this I am thinking to myself what did I do to deserve this. Why did this happen to me, us, why does this happen to anyone. Not only not knowing why this DID happen to us is one of the most frustrating and heart breaking thing. I question will I ever know… will some how down the road even thirty years from now will I know….. How am I going to be able to move on with out knowing? I know I have to and with the help of my family and friends I will eventually be able to be happy again but I will never get over this I am forever changed. But it is REALLY hard to see a pregnant person and I feel like every where I go I see one, a newborn, hearing a baby cry, coo, or smile, a baby car seat….they make me think of how much I am going to miss since Kiera is no longer here. I don't even have a picture of her smiling, I only have three pictures with out any tubing on her or in her. She never got to wear a dress, or a pretty girlie non hospital hat. She never even slept in her crib, only a bassinet next to our bed because of her reflux. I never got to rock her to sleep in her glider, she really never spent anytime in her room other than a quick diaper change. Yet I don't have the courage to take apart the nursery, put away all of her clothes, take off my hospital NICU bracelet. When I go in her room I can smell her and I want to keep that forever and I am secretly hoping and praying I will wake up from this nightmare and see her back in our arms. I know some of this may sound crazy to you but to me it hurts, just knowing and living through all of what we will miss with her is heart breaking.
Till next time.......
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
As I drove into work yesterday it being my first day back to my daily routine or trying to have a daily routine I listened to my IPOD all music that made me think of Kiera which I do all of the time now when I am in the car or at the house. But as I am driving back to work my first day back not only after having a baby, but after my baby had died.
I was an emotional mess and couldn't stop crying. I cried all the way to work, and after awhile I had the courage to walk through those doors still crying. I was crying because I was coming back to work after my baby had become an angel, not because I had just dropped her off at day care. Mixed emotions went through my head.... what if someone asks me how the baby is? or how is life as a family of 4? or are you crying because you miss your baby? How would I respond..... luckily no one asked those questions.... but most people asked how I was doing... while others probably not knowing what to say just ignored me .
I miss Kiera so much and I can not believe she is gone and that she went so quickly. I can not believe it has almost been 8 weeks since this nightmare had begun. How will I ever move on and be myself again. I don't think I will, but I am a new and different person because of what I went through. Will I ever know why she was unexpectedly taken from us probably not, but I am grateful for the time we had with her and all of the memories and pictures we have of her but... I just wish we had more time with her and that she was still here.
I should be sleep deprived because of middle of the night feedings, not because I can't sleep anymore.
I will slowly tell her story as time goes on this is part of my healing process. Being able to type/say it out loud will really help me I think.