As I sit here typing this I am thinking to myself what did I do to deserve this. Why did this happen to me, us, why does this happen to anyone. Not only not knowing why this DID happen to us is one of the most frustrating and heart breaking thing. I question will I ever know… will some how down the road even thirty years from now will I know….. How am I going to be able to move on with out knowing? I know I have to and with the help of my family and friends I will eventually be able to be happy again but I will never get over this I am forever changed. But it is REALLY hard to see a pregnant person and I feel like every where I go I see one, a newborn, hearing a baby cry, coo, or smile, a baby car seat….they make me think of how much I am going to miss since Kiera is no longer here. I don't even have a picture of her smiling, I only have three pictures with out any tubing on her or in her. She never got to wear a dress, or a pretty girlie non hospital hat. She never even slept in her crib, only a bassinet next to our bed because of her reflux. I never got to rock her to sleep in her glider, she really never spent anytime in her room other than a quick diaper change. Yet I don't have the courage to take apart the nursery, put away all of her clothes, take off my hospital NICU bracelet. When I go in her room I can smell her and I want to keep that forever and I am secretly hoping and praying I will wake up from this nightmare and see her back in our arms. I know some of this may sound crazy to you but to me it hurts, just knowing and living through all of what we will miss with her is heart breaking.Till next time.......
Erin
