Why...why....why...

Why it is only a three letter word but something that is always on my mind and I think something that will always haunt me.

Why did this happen

Why did this happen to me

Why did this happen to us

why why why.

LIFE is not fair and I want to know why

I don't think I will ever know WHY.

Sean asked me the other day why I was so sad still, I told him mommy is going to be sad for awhile I really miss your baby sister. Sean then asked why did Kiera leave us, why did she die? I want her back so I can play with her.

So someone please tell me WHY this happened to us please.

Sean wants to know why I won't put another baby in my tummy, I said mommy and daddy are not ready to do that yet and he asks but why.

Why why why............................

How do you give back?

How we have given back and ways of honoring our little angel Kiera.

We donated what we could of her, we were able to donate her lower extremities bone cartilage which can help some one walk again through gift of hope through Children's Memorial hospital.

Our friends and family have all donated a lot of money to the American Heart Association in her name and will continue to do so.

And I donated over 300 oz of frozen breast milk to a mothers milk bank to help out other premature babies.

I would much rather her be here, in my arms, seeing her smile and coo.

But since that is not possible I am trying to keep her living through other things.

Does anyone else have any other ideas of how we could give back?

Erin

Why did this happen to us?

I am looking for answer that will tell me why this happened to us........

Not that I wish this to happen to anyone ever but why were we the ones it happened too. I prayed every day that I would have a healthy strong baby and that I would make it further along in my pregnancy than I did with Sean. I was praying for no bed rest, I went to the doctor weekly for my shots.

I want to know why only some of my prayers were answered. Why would God want to hurt someone so bad like this. I just want to know why? I guess he needed her for another purpose I just hope some day I will figure out why and what that purpose is.

A lot of people keep saying and telling me that God only gives you what you can handle. Well what if I say I don't want to be able to handle this….. This is something that should happen to no one and no one should be able to handle this type of loss.

I am grateful that God let her stay with us for the 5 weeks we had her and that her big brother was able to meet and interact with her.

But what I wanted was a long life with her. I wanted to see her smile, hear her laugh, see her roll over, crawl, walk, hear her talk. Take her to her first day of school, help her get her dressed for a date, a dance, her wedding.

I wanted her to be able to wear my wedding dress the day she got married. But instead of what I wanted I lost her. Instead of her getting married in my wedding dress I cut it and buried her with it.

How is this fair? I know all and any deaths are not fair but life this short should not happen. I just wish I had more time with her……………

Erin

Here comes Goodbye

As I drove to work today this song came on and I began to cry. I know the intentions of the song were for something different but it really hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to share. I know I am forever changed by losing Kiera. Tonight I am going to my first infant loss support group meeting. They haven't met since Kiera passed. I am thankful that my mom is going with me for support and that my mother in law is watching Sean so I can go. I learned from this experience to live in the moment, because you don't know when it could be your last…………..

"Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts

I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road
And its not like her to drive that slow, nothin's on the radio
Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell
She usually comes right in, now I can tell

Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

I can hear her say I love you like it was yesterday
And I can see it written on her face that she had never felt this way
One day I thought I'd see her with her daddy by her side
And violins would play here comes the bride

Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

Why does it have to go from good to gone?
Before the lights turn on, yeah and youre left alone
All alone, but here comes goodbye

Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

Erin

Hardest things

As I sit here typing this I am thinking to myself what did I do to deserve this. Why did this happen to me, us, why does this happen to anyone. Not only not knowing why this DID happen to us is one of the most frustrating and heart breaking thing. I question will I ever know… will some how down the road even thirty years from now will I know….. How am I going to be able to move on with out knowing? I know I have to and with the help of my family and friends I will eventually be able to be happy again but I will never get over this I am forever changed. But it is REALLY hard to see a pregnant person and I feel like every where I go I see one, a newborn, hearing a baby cry, coo, or smile, a baby car seat….they make me think of how much I am going to miss since Kiera is no longer here. I don't even have a picture of her smiling, I only have three pictures with out any tubing on her or in her. She never got to wear a dress, or a pretty girlie non hospital hat. She never even slept in her crib, only a bassinet next to our bed because of her reflux. I never got to rock her to sleep in her glider, she really never spent anytime in her room other than a quick diaper change. Yet I don't have the courage to take apart the nursery, put away all of her clothes, take off my hospital NICU bracelet. When I go in her room I can smell her and I want to keep that forever and I am secretly hoping and praying I will wake up from this nightmare and see her back in our arms. I know some of this may sound crazy to you but to me it hurts, just knowing and living through all of what we will miss with her is heart breaking.

Till next time.......

Erin

Emotions

As I drove into work yesterday it being my first day back to my daily routine or trying to have a daily routine I listened to my IPOD all music that made me think of Kiera which I do all of the time now when I am in the car or at the house. But as I am driving back to work my first day back not only after having a baby, but after my baby had died.

I was an emotional mess and couldn't stop crying. I cried all the way to work, and after awhile I had the courage to walk through those doors still crying. I was crying because I was coming back to work after my baby had become an angel, not because I had just dropped her off at day care. Mixed emotions went through my head.... what if someone asks me how the baby is? or how is life as a family of 4? or are you crying because you miss your baby? How would I respond..... luckily no one asked those questions.... but most people asked how I was doing... while others probably not knowing what to say just ignored me .

I miss Kiera so much and I can not believe she is gone and that she went so quickly. I can not believe it has almost been 8 weeks since this nightmare had begun. How will I ever move on and be myself again. I don't think I will, but I am a new and different person because of what I went through. Will I ever know why she was unexpectedly taken from us probably not, but I am grateful for the time we had with her and all of the memories and pictures we have of her but... I just wish we had more time with her and that she was still here.

I should be sleep deprived because of middle of the night feedings, not because I can't sleep anymore.

I will slowly tell her story as time goes on this is part of my healing process. Being able to type/say it out loud will really help me I think.

Erin